Article: 65481 of comp.lang.c Xref: bcarh54a comp.lang.pascal:27161 comp.lang.c:65481 comp.lang.c++:60321 comp.lang.fortran:14740 comp.lang.lisp:9024 comp.lang.ada:13786 comp.lang.basic.misc:335 Path: bcarh54a!bcars267!bmerha64.bnr.ca!nmerh207!corpgate!news.utdallas.edu!wupost!howland.reston.ans.net!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!cis.ksu.edu!mac From: mac@cis.ksu.edu (Myron A. Calhoun) Newsgroups: comp.lang.pascal,comp.lang.c,comp.lang.c++,comp.lang.fortran,comp.lang.lisp,comp.lang.ada,comp.lang.basic.misc Subject: Re: Witty definition of your programming language Date: 18 Feb 94 14:47:23 GMT Organization: Kansas State University Lines: 90 Message-ID: References: <1994Feb17.093129.24132@ousrvr.oulu.fi> NNTP-Posting-Host: depot.cis.ksu.edu thefinn@stekt10.oulu.fi (Sami Nieminen) writes: .... > I'm looking for short (two sentences max.), witty (you know, the >hackerish-type humor), clear definitions of your favorite programming >language, that can be understood by people not knowing about the language >itself (i.e. they should be in English, not in your favorite programming >language). How's this: -------------------------------------- Date: 3/9/93 4:58 PM >From: Adam Rosen LAYPERSON'S GUIDE TO PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ------------------------------------------ C: You shoot yourself in the foot. C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency assistance in impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there." FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability. Modula-2: After realizing that you can't accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head. COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE, THEN return HANDGUN to HOLDSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied. LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ... BASIC: Shoot yourself in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body in waterlogged. FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot. APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters. Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot. SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot. Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot. HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into the left of leg of you. Answer the result. Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams. Unix: % Is foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm: .o: No such file or directory % is % DOS: You can't get to either foot from here. Xbase: Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper. Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too. Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for. Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you don't care. Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain. 370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried. Ada: After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type. Assembly: You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot. ---- --Myron. -- # Five boxes preserve our freedoms: soap, ballot, jury, witness, and cartridge. # Myron A. Calhoun, PhD EE; Assoc. Professor (913) 539-4448 home # INTERNET: mac@cis.ksu.edu 532-6350 work, 532-7353 fax # UUCP: ...rutgers!depot!mac Packet radio: W0PBV@N0ARY.#NOCAL.CA.USA.NA perl: !($foot =~/left/) # ! read as "Bang!" Powerbuilder: The gun jams when you shoot at your left foot when the number of bullets is prime. Shooting at your right foot is undocumented and therefore voids your support contract. if u cn rd ths u cn bcm a c prgmr!